start with observing yourself
the first step to living a more fulfilled life and deeper connection is getting to know yourself. not on the level of “I like to read books” or “my favorite animal is ducks” but much deeper. how your mind works, what and why certain moments trigger you and how to change your patterns. I will dive into all of these topics in various blogposts. this post is about the skill that comes before all the other work: self-observation. before journaling, before inner child work, before any framework you'll ever read about here or anywhere else. if you can't watch yourself while you're doing the thing, no method will help you stop doing it.
self-observation
self-observation means noticing what happens inside of you, while it happens. how something your friend said made you feel, how you think when someone passes you on the street, how you spend more time on your phone when you’re unhappy – things like that. you can imagine it as zooming out for a moment and observing your actions and the thoughts and feelings inside of yourself.
one very important part is to not identify with them, but simply noticing them: “I am angry” then turns into “there is anger”. in the first version, you become anger with almost no room for other feelings or thoughts. it colors everything and whatever you do next comes from it. in the second version, the anger is still there, fully, but it is only a part of a bigger picture: you. and there is enough space for something else; to make a choice not to act from it.
intro to our mind and our patterns
our mind shapes our reality. the way we think about things, our reflection in the mirror and our friends literally shapes how our life unfolds – and most of it happens automatically, based on what experiences we had in our childhood and throughout our life. in every moment, one of the main jobs of our brain is to use as little energy as possible. this goal is achieved by thinking the same thoughts we always did, the thoughts that worked in the past, the ones engrained in our brain. these thoughts shape how we talk, how we react and how we perceive the world. they are our patterns: input a is followed by output b. if I am not at my best (a), i isolate myself (b). if I see someone good looking (a), i immediately compare myself to them (b). if someone criticizes me (a) I get defensive (b). when I go to the toilet (a), I take my phone with me (b) – you get the picture.
to stay with the first example: I am not at my best, i isolate myself. this pattern might come from parents who where unable to handle your emotions, maybe because they had their own problems or because your siblings needed more attention. most of the time there are no bad. intentions behind this – our parents are living for the first time too, and they’re just humans who can’t react perfectly in every situation. but you learned that heavy emotions are best dealt with on your own, because somehow, you seem to be the only person you can rely on. and it takes quite a lot to notice that you are even doing this and that this behavior no longer serves any function in your relationships today: because your friends and your partner are very much willing to hold you in difficult moments and stay with you. and would actually love to help you. and that’s why changing these patterns is worth it.
where change starts
changing patterns like these takes a lot of energy – and even more patience. most of us have been thinking the same thoughts for as long as we can think. I always picture it like an old scale, with all the thoughts you’ve thought so far on one side and the new thoughts, the ones that still need to be thought, on the other. with this image in mind, it makes sense that it simply takes a while until the automated thoughts change. but it works, and it’s actually a pretty simple process. it looks like this:
engaging with the topic: very good, you’re already doing this. realizing that you can observe yourself, your own thoughts and actions at all, is a big step.
recognizing patterns afterwards: this can be hours or days later, what matters is recognizing them at all. this is about moments where you behaved differently than you maybe wanted to. for example, you received genuinely well-meant criticism and your reaction was to snap at the person. in the beginning, these moments and patterns will mostly show up in your relationships and be pretty tangible. only later will you probably start recognizing your thought patterns too – more on that in the future.
recognizing patterns right after: the pattern still happened, but you notice it within seconds instead of hours or days. from here on, the only thing that keeps changing is how much this gap shrinks.
recognizing patterns in the moment: you can’t stop yourself yet, but you are very aware of what is happening while it happens. you are actor and audience at the same time.
recognizing them before: you feel the impulse rising, before it becomes an action. here you have the choice to follow the impulse, the pattern, or to decide on a different way. in the beginning the pattern will probably still win a few times, but it slowly loses its strength.
the pattern gets weaker: especially when you don’t follow the impulse and the other way works. the pattern, or rather your brain, has then seen often enough that the pattern doesn’t get through anymore and slowly loses interest in trying again.
maybe this sounds like a lot of work and like such a long way to go. and to be real with you, it is. the idea that such deeply rooted topics can be solved with one workshop, one breathwork session or one retreat is an illusion that monetizes really well, which is exactly why it’s so widespread.
do it gently, with a lot of understanding and love and curiosity
for me, this is the most important part of the whole thing. self-observation is not self-optimization. it’s not about becoming a better person and finding yet another project, yet another area where you’re not good enough. self-observation is always free of judgment. it’s never about categorizing feelings or thoughts as bad or good, but simply noticing them. and then changing the ones that stand in the way of our everyday life and our relationships.
for me, it looks like this: I do something I don’t want to do anymore. like isolating myself when I’m not doing well (the example above is very real). then I notice it, in this case in the moment itself, and I tell myself in my head, sometimes even out loud, something like: “ah look, we’re doing that thing again that we don’t want to do anymore. let’s not.” then I think about what I could do differently and, for example, call my sister or my best friend and tell them about it. I share my feelings and through that I notice that in moments like these, there are people who want to be there for me. it doesn’t work every time for me either, but more and more often. and I know that asking for help will be the default one day.
so: make sure your inner dialogues are very gentle and full of love and understanding. you haven’t “failed” when the pattern is very persistent. and you’re not a worse person if it takes long. and that’s exactly why this path is so worth it: it won’t just change your patterns, it will also strengthen the relationship with yourself. because it takes forgiveness, patience and self-love for this path to work at all. and at the same time, it cultivates exactly these things.
it also cultivates curiosity, which is generally a very good attitude in life. when something happens and a pattern gets activated, it offers you an opportunity every single time to learn more about yourself, your life and your past. if you feel like it, you can investigate like an explorer where this pattern might come from. my boyfriend or my friends and I sometimes say, slightly sarcastically, “let’s move forward with curiosity”, because we’re often just done with these topics as well and don’t always want to analyze and discover even more... but it really is a beautiful quality: to move through life not judging and categorizing, but curious.
first steps with this small exercise
if this topic made you curious, you can start like this:
pick one situation: take one recurring situation in which you react automatically. if nothing comes to mind right now, here are a few ideas: the reach for your phone. the inner comment when you look in the mirror. the feeling when someone doesn’t reply. the impulse to justify yourself when someone questions you. take the one that made you go “oh” while reading. don’t pick your most painful topic. medium-sized is totally enough.
for one week, your only task is to notice it. that’s it. you don’t change anything, you don’twrite it down (you can obviously, but don’t have to), you don’t try to improve anything – just notice it. when it happens you register it internally, just like I described above. go like “oh, there it is”. that’s it. and then you let the situation continue however it continues. and if you want, just keep going after the week – there is no end date to this.
noticing afterwards counts. in the beginning you’ll mostly notice the trigger hours later. “that was it, this morning.” this will feel like failing. it isn’t. noticing afterwards is the skill – the timing improves on its own. over the week, “two hours later” becomes “right after” becomes, sometimes, “while it’s happening.” that shrinking gap is the entire exercise.
don’t fix anything. the urge to intervene will show up the moment you see the trigger clearly. resist it. behavior that is observed starts shifting by itself – but only if you don’t pull at it.
after the week, if you want to go further: take your trigger into your journal and look at what’s underneath it. what does the reaction protect? when did you learn it? that’s where the deeper work starts, and it’s where the next posts in this series will go.
thank you as always for your time – it means the world to me.
feel free to reach out to me, if there is something you want to talk about :)
xxx Stéphie
